Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize