he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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