During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
