Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
