I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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