I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
