How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
