well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
