you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
