Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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