My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
