in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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