It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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