i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
