Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
