i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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