I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
