he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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