The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This baby is an asshole
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
