I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
