More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
