tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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