no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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