Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
