your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
