sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
