the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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