I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
