Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
