Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize