you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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