I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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