Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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