this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
