3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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