Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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