Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
