I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
