I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
