he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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