I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
