dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I licked your asshole in confidence.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
