And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize