They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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