mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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