every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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