Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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