allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
