all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize