bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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