I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
