i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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