Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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