Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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