my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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