I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
